About the Darkened Sun Album

The Darkened Sun Protean Core Initiative:

A Tour: Orientation for public awareness. 
 

[The Dweller greets you at the entrance.] Hi. I will be guiding you on the tour of this Darkened Sun facility. It's not something I particularly enjoy, but at least you might understand more about what I go through living here everyday, year after year. This is what you call a DS facility. DS is the slang term for Darkened Sun, which refers to the black hole in the center of the facility. There are other slang terms, but, well, let's not talk about that.

 

The DSF is part of the Dominent Corporation's "Protean Core Initiative". You'll learn more as we proceed. Follow me. 

If you look around as we walk you'll notice there are no signs, instructions or guidance of any kind. You just have to know how things work by living with this everyday. Every facility is a bit different and methods that work on one may not work on another. The facility managers, that's me in this facility, have learned how their particular unit works and have developed methods for keeping it in order over time. Kind of job security. No one else knows it better, good or bad, that's just how it is. It's not an easy task.

 

The D-Corp wants to tell you how to run it though. They think they know best. They try to make everyone believe they know how it runs, but in reality ... no one really knows. Not even me. It's a very complicated machine. Don't tell them I told you that, they like to think they know everything and don't like to feel out of control. I would like to know more, but I just mostly react to the output.

Ahem. [The Dweller continues to speak.]

 

Back to the tour. The DS facilities were created a long time ago by some ancient civilization or being or something. There are no records of who or what they were, just stories that have been passed down through generations, an artifact here or there, but no real evidence other than their technology, like this facility. They are all over the galaxy. Personally, I think they were just a bunch of comedians playing a final huge galaxy wide joke. Sort of like they left all these incredibly wonderful toys everywhere, but didn't leave all the parts like wheels or batteries and stuff and no instructions. Apparently, regardless of how really good they were at making stuff, some things have inherent problems built in. For instance, this facility has a serious flaw in the DS orbit and rotation ... it wobbles. It is such an incredible unit, but the wobble is a real problem. You might think a little wobble isn't such a bad thing, but wobbling in the core can destroy the entire planet...

 

[The Dweller increases his vocal decibels.]

[A gasp.]

... Ma'am? I didn't mean to scare you. It will be okay ... Uh yes, you are on a planet with a DS core, but it's fine. I've lived here my entire life and it has only destroyed me and the planet once or twice. But I'm right back you see so no harm done. Just kidding... 

[Another gasp.]

Ma'am...You can leave if you want. But the DS core is really just fine. There isn't really any danger... Some of them have self destructed, but... 

 [Whimpering sounds] 

Well, ok... if you have to leave just follow that path there and it will lead you right back outside... 

[Running footfalls echo and fade down the hall]

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I'm sorry folks. For many people the facility can seem scary. Some try to stay around but most leave when core gets out of shape. 

[more footsteps echo and fade back down the hall.]

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They just don't stick around after a while. New people come and think they can handle it, but eventually the core scares them away too. There are a few of you left. So we will keep going. Where were we? The D-Corp, right? They are everywhere. You would have to live in some other universe not to know of these guys. They started a plan for this place and all the places like it called the "Protean Core Initiative". When they realized what the DS units did they immediately set out to began working on how to manage each one of them. Like I said they think they can solve the problem, but their efforts mostly just put a mask on it and never really fix it. Anyway, they make a profit. 

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The DS facilities use black holes for power, eh, the Darkened Sun reference. You get it. They are very small, but strong just the same. It's a black hole for crying outloud. The power come from the Darkened Sun's rotation. The ancient ones or elder races or whatever they were called had learned to harness the rotation of the core and create a continuous energy supply, enough to supply the entire planet with power. The chamber contains numerous automated factories that use and recycle the planet's resources to repair and maintain the facility. When the wobble tears something up and everything starts grinding to a halt, the automated things try to fix it back. Ingenious really. Self sustaining, as long as there are resources available. But that is where I come in. I'm a Dweller. I watch for and prep those resources and keep tabs on how things are running. Send out warnings and such.

 

[More Gasps erupt from the group. There are always more gasps. The few members of the group that are left are looking all around wide-eyed as they exit the narrow hallway into a huge, immense spherical chamber between two extremely large, building size rectangular machine units. On the face of the units are hundreds of smaller rectangular machines. All of them are lined along the walls of the entire sphere which is miles across. Looking across the chamber makes viewers dizzy and queasy as the shapes are distorted from the effects of the black hole being suspended in the central core area. It is bending the sphere's appearance in strange ways.] 

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[The Dweller continues.] I monitor things very carefully and mostly watch for danger signs so I can tell everyone on the planet when to leave. I try to gauge the response for the type of problem I see building up in the core. A lot of people say that Dweller's hit the panic button too quickly, but if you worked down here, what would you do? 

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Ok. If the wobble causes enough damage, the DS could literally eat the planet. If something like that happens, all we can do is send out warnings and tell everyone to get off world. At that point I stay to keep watch and try to fix things the best I can. During that time the DS can be a really bad place to hang around. 

​

[Footfalls head back toward the hall again.] 

The D-Corp provides us with some equipment, chemicals and many other items if they think we need it. A lot of times we do, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to be needed or doesn't seem to help. Some Dwellers follow a regimen that is dictated by the Corps and the cycles of the core. Depending on how bad the wobble is, it can affect us radically over a prolonged period. It takes a toll on the entire facility and the dwellers. Because each manager knows their facility best and has lived with it so long, no one else could manage it for them. They have to stay there constantly, live there. That is one reason we get labeled poorly. Being called Dwellers has become a negative term. It's not our fault really, we just have to deal with the problems that are here and no one else can do it for us.

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[A buzzing sound is heard from the Dweller's side pocket. He takes out a small electronic device, taps it a couple of times. He shakes it. Curses under his breath. He moves over to the rail which seems very fragile with the enourmous drop just past its edge. The Dweller stares at the core for what seems ages. He steps back. Scratches his head and says...] 

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I am sorry folks, I am being notified that there is a destabilization beginning. It is nothing to be alarmed about, but I will need to show you out. I need to check some of my monitoring equipment... I am sorry but we will be cutting our tour short.

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[The dweller turns around and walks toward the hallway entrance, not noticing that there is no group left. Faint vocal echoes can be hear down the hall exit.] 

You are going to have to go now. Please follow the path there. You can find your own way out. This may be nothing, but I can't take chances. 

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[The Dweller waves his hand in the direction of the hall entrance and starts walking toward a series of panels on the wall.] 

Watch your step! Quickly now! I will let you know if it gets worse or when you can return.

 

Don't worry. It will be fine. I just have to go take care of a few things...

The Album Metaphors
A Guide
 

In this particular universe, unknown builders in the ancient past created self-sustaining power facilities that provided entire planets with energy. There are thousands upon thousands of them throughout the galaxy.
[The builders represent nature or life. The facilities represent the mind. The planet represents the body.]

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A company called the Dominent Corporation (D-Corp) claimed the facilities and began maintaining them.
[This company represents any force that may want to help fix the problem or gain from the use or misuse of the facilities for whatever purpose]

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The facilities are powered by small black holes and use the gravity and rotation to produce energy. The original builders found a way to suspend the black holes in an enormous spherical area that shielded it from the planet's gravity well to keep it from destroying the planet as long as it stayed in the well. It did not interfere with the black holes gravity.
[The black hole represents the energy of the mind and body. The system represents the fragility of balance]

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D-Corp found that all of the facilities had flaws. Some were very severe and some were very mild. The flaw was a cyclical wobble in the rotation of the black holes.
[The wobble represents the cycling nature of depression]

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Some of the severe flaws caused the black hole to break from its containment and consume the planet.
[The consumption represents the severest form of depression that leads to suicide]

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Less severe flaws would only weaken containment and it was found that if the facilities were helped in some manner to reconstruct themselves that they could get though the cycles of wobble and maintain a semblance of calm, but the wobbles always returned. By supplying some of the raw materials that the facilities self-repairing technology needed, the wobble could be managed to some degree.
[The self repair facilities represent the bodies own ability to heal it self. The raw materials represent the mind's structure or chemical balances and need. The raw materials also represent the attempt to provide the missing pieces and restore some balance through drugs or therapy or whatever means that helps. It is not the missing materials, but a substitution in leau of a better answer]

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The Dominent Corporation started putting a worker, called a Dweller, in every facility to monitor the wobbles and prepare for them.

[Putting the Dweller in does not mean that the companies create the consciousness of the individual, rather that they try to put the existing consciousness into a place of dealing with the issue for them. [The Dweller represents the consciousness of the mind and body. The personality, the spirit the living essence that is the individual. Monitoring represents the individual having to keep track of life cycles and medications, etc., to analyze, prepare and work toward improvement. Something to do while waiting and looking for a real cure.]

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A Dweller lives in the facility and interacts with others outside, through video, audio, but never leaves the facility. They must be on constant alert. When a wobble occurs, the dwellers begins to seal the facility and send announcements that a problem is coming and that those nearby should leave or they may face issues with gravity or other problems.
[Living in the facility represents the consciousness in the mind and never being able to get away from troubles that exist there and only being able to try and deal with it. The alert represents a person who is starting to feel the depression cycle. They may become irritable or withdrawn. However they respond those signals are sent to people around them as a message to keep at a distance. Those signals can cause others to be uncomfortable with them and leave or other possibilities reactions.]

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When a wobble occurs it is the Dweller's job to go in and work on it or try to maintain until the wobble is over. They may request help in the form of more materials, or parts to allow the self-repairing systems to do the job.
[Going in represents a person in depression separating themselves from others. Finding time on their own, riding out the storm, feeling sad, trying to find a way to get through. Requesting materials is the individual asking or needing medication changes, therapy, etc]

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Sometimes the wobble extends its influence around a Dweller. The Dweller is always tethered to the facility. When the event horizon is extended around the dweller, they cannot get out until the horizon pulls back on its own. Because of the technology of the facility to suspend gravity around the black hole the Dweller is safe to some degree although they are pulled almost beyond the limits of their ability to wait it out. During an event such as this the Dweller may become paranoid, angry, see things, hear things, and many other issues. Some dwellers cut their own tethers as they can not take the pain.

[The extending of the event horizon represents a deep depression cycle where the individual is pressed into considering if it is worth it to keep going. Contemplation of suicide. The tether represents the things in life that are worth going back for. If the event is too strong or the tether too weak or the person is just too tired to continue, then we are all faced with the tragedy of death.]

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Dwellers have friends who stay around them, but they are usually never able to get very close due to the nature of the situation. During times of a wobble, many times even friends are sent away. When the cycle ends, the Dweller opens the facility and announces that it is safe to return to normal operations.
[Friends are friends. When a low cycle ends many times people are able to feel good enough to socialize with their friends for a time, but they are always on guard knowing that the cycle will return]

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The Song Metaphors

These are some of the metaphors, but are not all of the possible comparisons. Please feel free to make your own conclusions. These were the ones I felt worked for me.

• Everything: Is the begining of a down cycle. The questinoning of one's self and the feeling of despair of having to go into this again and having to deal with everything again - alone.
• Normality: This addresses how you feel that nothing you do is right and how others may see you as weak or different enough to be seen as someone to be avoided. This also points toward a sense of anger that may be felt toward others for not understanding.
• Departure: This transition song moves from the sense of someone feeling as though they being viewed as different and someone to be avoided. They may hear their own thoughts and the comments or percieved thoughts of others and extremely maybe even voices telling them that they are not worth much. It is a transition from feeling worthy enough to participate in society to the loss of that ability to participate.
• Unrecognizable: This about how depression and the pain and difficulty in living like this changes you into someone you and others no longer recognize. The voice of pain taunts and promises to return.
• Promise/Behind You: The voice of pain again suggests what the future will always hold. There is also a sense of paranoia and a building of anxiety and watching things fall apart ins and around you.
• Darkened Sun: Is a general song about the entire concept. In the order of the album it is a reminder of what has gone on before and will continue into the future for as long as that may be.
• Solitude: This is how interactions with others, even those close to you, may be alike. You don't feel like anyone can help and it's about how you keep them away and at a distance. It suggests that someone even very close may feel as they try to understand and also feel helpless, not being able to do anything except wait.
• I Need To Feel: This is about feeling bad, sad, pain, not right and wanting to be normal, and at the same time feeling numb and like you have no control over anything. This is leading to the complete shut down of any feeling.
• Don't Care: This was the one that got to me the most. I found myself not caring about things I loved to do. In general it left me just going through the motions of life like a robot just maintaining. I lost my caring for things I loved and enjoyed and just didn't care about doing them. The only way I could describe it was that "I just didn't care" .
• Turmoil: This describes the anger, the confusion, the problems, that arise from going through depression. It leaves a lot of destruction in it's wake in many forms.
• Anymore: Describes coming out of the down time and not wanting to go through it again although, you know you will have to deal with it for a long time. Know that you have to make decisions to deal with it.
• Make It Home: This is the need to find a place of peace not matter where that may be. The decision process to keep fighting or not.

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The Personal Story
A Personal Experience with Depression and PTSD
 

These songs are written based on my personal experience with and research about depression and traumatic PTSD. I know that the experiences of others are very different. I also know that anyone who deals with any form of this disease has to deal with more than they can possibly explain and more than anyone who has never gone through it can understand. If nothing else, I hope that those who have never experienced depression might realize that these feelings and emotions expressed here are real and not of an individual's choosing. I also hope for those who have and do experience depression can find some comfort in knowing that there are many who understand. You are not alone. 

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November 10th, 2004 I went through my regular day teaching at college and left my last class having trouble keeping my breath because I was just feeling very, very tired. I didn't have chest pain and I wasn't sweating. I told my children that I was going to the emergency room when I got home that evening. I didn't feel right and then drove myself to the hospital. I had turned 40 two months prior. When they took the tests at the emergency room things started speeding up. A lot more people started showing up around me with urgent expressions. They told me I was having a heart attack. They asked me who I wanted to call. They called back the doctor's who had just left work that day and sent me to the cath lab.

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I didn't show much emotion during the process. One doctor commented as they were wheeling back for preparation that I was very stoic. I thought to myself, how else should I act, hysterical or mad or angry. I thought I really didn't have a choices at that point. I couldn't very well say I didn't want to go through the lifesaving procedure. I guess I wasn't able to grasp the moment well as things happened so fast. I was lucky the surgery went well, but unlucky that I had heart damage due to the attack. I hadn't recognized the symptoms and the heart attack had gone on all day.

 

I spent time recovering at the hospital and was released. A week later I went back in for another emergency open heart surgery due to a rare complication of a tamponade. Fluid building up around the heart. I was told it was more dangerous than the heart attack. They said they only had to do that procedure on one patient a year. It was me that year. 

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I learned how my meds worked and dealt with the lifestyle changes. I made sure to follow the exercise programs. I went through the next year trying to recover. I had family support for a few months and then was back to managing things myself again.

 

I had to have another procedure a year later because of the damage to my heart. They implanted an ICD, Implantable Cardiac Defibrillator. Then, a few years later, I found out it was implanted with faulty leads. Something was wrong with the wires that attached to my heart. They said that it was too risky to take them out and that it would be better monitor them closer. Oh well. Lucky me again.

 

The next seven years was filled with the anxiety of not knowing if it were going to go bad. During that first year I was doing emotionaly good. Then something changed. I can't put my finger on what it was specifically, but I believe it was everything finally catching up to me. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I guess.

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I found myself not caring about anything. Things I loved to do. I still loved them, but I didn't care if I did them and didn't want to do much of anything else. I forced myself to go to work. I came home and went through the motions of keeping things together. Which wasn't much. I feel sorry for my family, because they probably didn't know what was going on and in that state I was not able to help myself. I didn't really know who I was anymore. I tried to shake it off, but it wouldn't go away. I had been able to shake off sadness and loneliness before, but this was different. I might have recognized it as depression, but in that state I didn't care. 

Sometime later, something changed again. I started getting back to feeling like my old self again. I didn't realize it had been a deep depression until I started getting out of it. I had gained an understanding of what depression really was and became more compassionate and sympathetic to others who were dealing with it. I had gone through it myself and could now understand more completely what it was like. 

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I did some research and found that I had gone through most of the symptoms that I had heard others talk about. I didn't go through some of the more severe depths that I know depression can take someone into, but I had a good understanding of where it could lead. There was the physical pain, the not caring, wanting to be alone, but not alone, not wanting to take care of yourself, and many other aspects of the disease. It is nearly unbearable. I cannot fathom the severity that others endure, but I understood that I wanted to express something about it. I became aware that I go through some cycles of depression at other times as well, but they are not nearly as severe and I had never known what they were before. Just feeling bad for no reason. 

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The depression had almost pulled me in and it was only a couple of years. That downward spiral made me think of the metaphor of a black hole and the constant pull of it's gravity. I wanted to do sometihng to express my experience. Being a science fiction fan and a musician prompted me to try and put the two together. I had grown up writing songs and had created a couple of concept albums with my best friend in the past. I decided that I would try to complete the entire process and actually produce one myself. I couldn't think of any better way for me to express some of the emotions and fears and difficultly that depression brings than by creating a conceptual series of songs. I decided to create an album in a science fiction genre using the metaphors of a black hole to guide the expression. 

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I hope that these songs offer hope to those that are suffering in the fact that they are not alone and others are going through the same issues. I hope it might help those who haven't dealt with depression before to find some compassion and patience with those who are dealing with it. It is not something that you can just shake off and all of a sudden become cheery and happy. It takes time.

 

Make sure that those who are close to you know that you will be there when they need you, and then be there when they ask, because you can't shake them out of it either.

 

Be patient and loving. 

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Best wishes, care and understanding. 

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Greg